man vs. himself

in this introspective installment, kirk dives into his psyche to unpack his internal tumult. no script; no agenda; just his raw thoughts. theme song by joe jenneman, background track by manabu (kirk), finishing song "fail" by rainbow kitten surprise.
*watch on youtube*

links:
1. attic
2. joe jenneman
3. manabu (kirk's music project)
4. rainbow kitten surprise

Transcript

kirk: [00:00:00] What's up, everybody? Today is Thursday, January 11th, 2024. 2024. Happy New Year everyone. Sincerely, happy New Year. It's a mess in this attic lot going on, but there ain't no need to panic coming up and join me. Getting wild, getting madic spitting. Truth for all you fanatics, huh? Every week. Got something new to say. 

Ain't no filter. This shit coming straight from the brain. It's coming straight from the brain. Yeah, it's coming straight. 

Things are getting crazier and life is getting more and more ambiguous, but what's not ambiguous is that this is a talk in the attic, same program as it's [00:01:00] always been, which I understand is a little bit, uh, difficult to actually place. What is this show? And this episode is going completely off the cuff. 

I have nothing scripted out. Uh, I've been delaying this. Conversation basically with myself, uh, but I'm letting you in on it because. A big part of this project is the community aspect of it, and a big part of it is also openness and showing vulnerability. And, you know, I'm hoping that at the end of this thing, you've gleaned something from it and that it just isn't me, uh, you know, pontificating about myself, which is not valuable. 

Uh, to you folks, but you know, I think when, when you hear other people sharing some of the struggles they're going through, sometimes you can apply it to your own life. And hopefully that's what comes out of this today. As you can probably tell, I haven't been very productive on the podcast. It's been a while in terms of my last episode that came out. 

And even prior to that, you know, it's a, it was a much slower clip than it had been. And that's [00:02:00] not necessarily by design. I want to get back into it. I want to be productive. I want to put out more and more content. Um, Um, you know, I, I know that I've improved quite a bit and one thing that I struggle with is trying to outdo myself. 

Right. Um, I'm very proud of some of the episodes. Really I'm proud of all the episodes, at least when they first come out. And then over time, you know, they, they start to feel like they weren't my best work because I'm getting better, you know, so as you improve, as I improve. It's, it's tricky because I want to make sure my next episode, like this one, for instance, is better than the last, which should have been better than the previous, et cetera. 

And that comes with a lot of pressure and this isn't even a job, right? This is, no one's paying me for this. I mean, most of you fuckers aren't even paying me for this. Um, nor necessarily should you be, of course, if you want to, you can go to patreon. com slash a talk in the attic and throw your hat in the ring, but that's not what this is about. 

In fact, we'll get into a little bit later about why that's [00:03:00] part of the issue I'm having internally. So, you know, this isn't a job. This is just me doing something that I want to do, doing something that I think I'm good at and that I want to get better at. And it still comes with a lot of pressure, right? 

And we put it on ourselves. A lot of it's just negative internal thinking, like, don't do that. That's going to suck. No one's going to see your viewpoint on that or people are going to view this as some sort of ulterior motive versus what it really is. But at the end of the day, who cares what people think? 

Well, when you're selling a product like a podcast, um, you have to kind of care what people think, right? Because at the end of the day, this is just me talking unless somebody else listens to it or watches it. And so, you know, I'm just, It's a challenge. So one thing I've been working on is just convincing myself that, you know, nobody ever asked for duck count. 

Nobody asked for an electric forest cartoon. Nobody ever asked me to even start a [00:04:00] podcast. I did that all through my own desire and my own ambition. And so why would I care now whether or not something I put out is going to be received well, right? I shouldn't care. And I think it shows through when somebody is giving their honest truth as opposed to some disguised, veiled message that's really trying to, I don't know, that's really just trying to appease you guys. 

And you ladies. 

You know, who cares? Right? And I don't mean that in a disrespectful way. I'm trying to tell that to myself. Who cares? So I've got to get back on the horse. I've got to get back in the swing of putting these things together on a regular clip, at least a weekly clip. Which is my intention. Uh, life gets in the way a little bit. 

You know, you're trying to balance our family lives and our work lives and our social lives. And it gets tricky. Some things that I see around the world depress me at times, [00:05:00] you know, not in any sort of a clinical sense, but at the end of the day, we are the algorithm that we all tap into every time we wake up and look at our phones for the first time. 

Uh, the algorithm is feeding us what, what we think that we care about and what the algorithm thinks we care about is the negative takes on everything going on in the world. And so we start to believe that, uh, that everyone out there is a troll because that's really what we're seeing on social media is trolls. 

And we think that everyone's up in arms about this or everyone's furious about this and there's no common ground amongst any of us. And we all know that's not true. And the easiest way for us to remember that is to actually get out in the real world and interact with people, as opposed to interacting with, uh, randoms on social media that frankly we would never be connected with if it weren't for these phones. 

So you know, but some of those things are hard to avoid. Donald Trump is probably going to make a very positive, if not almost certain run to the White House [00:06:00] again. That depresses me. You know, and it's not a political thing. It's because that guy bothers the shit out of me. He goes against everything that we were taught as kids in terms of taking accountability, uh, being a team player, uh, not making everything about yourself. 

And I realized that's funny coming from me as I give a confessional about myself, uh, in an unsolicited fashion to all you, the listeners and viewers, but. Uh, I don't know. That guy bothers me. And the more you see him succeed, if that's what you want to call it, um, the more it kind of feels like we've been lied to our whole lives. 

And that maybe caring about other people, and taking ownership, and, I don't know, just being a good, decent person. Maybe that isn't the answer, right? Maybe we have to be reptiles to get to the top. And here I am in the, in the entertainment industry to some degree. Uh, of course you need to have a reptilian R factor to get where you need to get. 

But as I see people [00:07:00] storming target to fight over a fucking thermos, because it's pink or red or something, these Stanley valentine's day thermoses. It's like, why is this fucking important? There are people, most people in the world have no luxuries like that. And we're here. Uh, poor people are fighting to get their hands on a fucking thermos, you know, like why? 

It's because social media told us to or because I don't know some company that's been around for 150 years or whatever the fuck Stanley's been around. They've done a good job marketing it I don't know but at the end of the day when I look back on all this stuff It reminds me that I don't even really want to participate in this consumerism now granted I'm here surrounded by ring lights and microphones and cameras in this nice house. 

That's filled with shit that I don't need and but at the end of the day Just because I'm part of it doesn't mean I want to be a part of it. And so I really need to try and simplify things, and I really need to try and separate myself from the constant selling that's going on. Yes, in my professional life, I'm [00:08:00] also selling products to people. 

Products that they, they need, I guess, but not products that I'm super passionate about. Not products that are necessarily helping the environment or anything like that. Um, but it is a way that I can keep the lights on, literally the ring lights on. So I can continue to do this project because, you know, until I make money off this thing, I have to do something else, you know, to support it, but I know what I have to do to grow this thing. 

I have to market it. I have to sell it. I have to promote it. I have to start focusing on the algorithmic, uh, trends. You know, my episode where I interviewed Donald Trump, that thing blew up to the highest view count I'd ever had in the first 20, 30 minutes. It was over a thousand and a half an hour or something. 

And I hated that episode. I didn't like the end product. I didn't like making it. It was unenjoyable for all the reasons I mentioned earlier about that. That fuck face. Um, but here it was successful in terms of view count. So I need to do more of that, but that flies in the face of why I'm doing this [00:09:00] project, why I'm doing this project is because. 

We, we need to find ourselves through whatever our passions are. My passion happens to be creating and whether that's a comedy sketch or something like this or music or whatever it is, even if it's not particularly good, uh, I feel more centered and I feel more productive in the grand scheme of life when I'm doing this stuff, you know, and I think a lot of you at home probably aren't fulfilling that itch necessarily. 

And I'm not saying that in any sort of. Dismissive way. I'm just saying it from a place of experience because when I was Working 50 60 hours a week and focused purely on my professional aspirations I absolutely was not doing anything creative beyond powerpoints or some other marketing technique to get people to buy shit and I know I've seen it in my own life. 

Hopefully you've seen it as well, that I'm a better person when I'm feeling fulfilled creatively. So that's why I'm doing this. So the idea of promoting it and selling it and making that the forefront flies directly in the face of what I'm [00:10:00] doing. It's diametrically opposite of what. The purpose of this thing is, and so it leaves me in a conundrum, right? 

Do I continue to do this for fun and as a passion and as a way to connect with you folks, or do I change my perspective on it, make this a job and should I, you know, make it a job, then it's going to come with, uh, what I feel is like a hit to my artistic integrity. And if you guys are Seinfeld fans, like I am, you remember when George and Jerry were pitching the idea of the Seinfeld show to the NBC folks? 

George made a comment to Jerry about, this violates my artistic integrity, and I believe Jerry said back to him. Artistic integrity. You're not artistic and you have no integrity. So I'm aware, I'm aware that how this could come across. Uh, but at the end of the day, it is something that I value, uh, doing this thing the right way. 

And maybe that means. Downgrading my expectations [00:11:00] for what this could be, but that, on the other hand, flies in the face of my ambition and my belief in the fact that I think that I can do this. I think that it is valuable. I think that in the, in the scheme of entertainment, as valuable as it can be, um, I know that I'm skilled enough to make it happen. 

How do I do it? You know, these are all the internal kind of struggles and the internal turmoil that I've been struggling with a little bit. But, I'm okay, mom, don't worry, I'm okay, but I just thought I'd put this out there so that, you know, you guys can kind of get a feel for some of the things that I'm going through on my side, um, you know, I guess my call to action to you would be, hypocrite alert, go sign up for my Patreon, you know, sign up, you're spending money on a bunch of, on Stanley Thermoses, you can afford 5 a month to support your buddy, who's putting together Uh, non mainstream media, uh, that is not based on any algorithm other than this algorithm up here, which is shoddy and Spartan random. 

And. [00:12:00] Maybe that's the goal of this thing. Maybe that's the value of this, showing that you don't have to follow the trend to be fulfilled. Now maybe you do need to follow the trends to be, to get paid. I don't know. I guess time will tell. But, I just think the call to action to you guys is, what, what are you spending your time on? 

When you're not at work, doing all the things that you need to do to keep your family fed and a roof over your heads, etc. What are you doing with your time? So that at the end of your life, you're not looking back and saying, Holy shit, I gave all of my time to a company that didn't give a shit about me. 

Yeah, they paid me. It was a transactional thing, but man, I wish I would have spent more time doing this with these folks. Or, learning how to play the piano. Or, I have a friend who's got a really good nose. And, maybe he should learn how to use that nose so he can learn how to smell wine for a pay. You know? 

Is that valuable? I don't know. For some people it is. It's probably just as valuable as making some widget and selling it to someone that's going to throw it away in a [00:13:00] year, right? And so that's the call to action. I'll feel more supported. I'll feel more motivated and inspired if more people around me are also Channeling their whatever it is. 

Maybe it's creative. Maybe it's exercise. Maybe it's sports. Whatever whatever is going to Make you feel like you've lived a life worth living. I think we all, we've all heard the quote numerous times or some variation of it at the end of someone's life where they say, well, I'll tell you one thing I didn't wish I did more of, and that's work, right? 

Um, the country is trillions of dollars in debt. Money's fake, you know, on the, on a grand scale. Uh, but at the same time, bills are very real and we have to do what we have to do, but let's not make that our focus. Let's not make that our life. Otherwise, what's to prevent you from in five years, beating someone up at target to get the newest color of a Stanley thermos, right? 

It's just a, it's just self flagellating bullshit. We don't need any of it. I was very, I was hopeful during COVID because everything shut down. People [00:14:00] weren't building stuff. Cars weren't being made. People were staying home and spending time with their loved ones. And you started to feel a little bit of an understanding that. 

While we're focusing on the wrong stuff here, fast forward a few years and you're karate chopping someone to get a pink Stanley thermos Hopefully none of you listeners were involved with that. And if you were please send video. I'd like to see a good Roundhouse kick for a thermos, but I'm fine. I'm gonna get on this I'm gonna Remind myself on a daily basis that this isn't about the money. 

This isn't about the views or the likes. It's about expressing myself in a, in a more productive way. And at the end of the day, it's about myself being more fulfilled so that I can be better to Jessica. I can be better to you folks that I know in real life. Um, because I know the version of myself that wasn't fulfilling this side of it. 

And he wasn't a great guy, right? He might've seemed fine, but, uh, I certainly wasn't. First off, I wasn't speaking in the third person like I did just there. So, you [00:15:00] know, maybe my ego is growing from this whole thing, but you know, it was a worse version of myself. And I know that tomorrow I, I I'd like to be a better version of even than I am today and forever. 

I hope that's the case. Uh, learning is fun. What can we learn? Um, and to that end, you know, another call to action to you is what do you think? You want to hear, and I don't mean go to Facebook and see what's popular at the time. I mean, what do you want to want from this podcast? How can I support what you're looking to do if you're listening to this or watching this at home or listening to it on your way to work? 

You know, do you want to learn? Is it, do you want it to be educational? Do you want it to be more of a history focused? Uh, do you like the creative stuff? What do you like? What do you want from me? I'm not necessarily going to listen to that, you know, because I think at the end of the day, it has to be driven by my authentic and genuine interest in order to make it, uh, genuine and authentic the end product, but I don't know, man, that's kind of where I'm at. 

I appreciate you indulging me by checking this out and let me know, drop me a line. You can always [00:16:00] email me at a talk in the attic at gmail. com I'm on all the socials as a talk in the attic. Uh, hit me up. Let me know if this, uh, rang true with any of you, if this was congruent with anything that you guys deal with on a daily basis. 

I'm sure, I'm sure to some degree we're all there. Feeling it. And hopefully this inspires you as much as it's going to inspire me to stay on it. Do what you got to do, but then really find time for what you really care about. And look, if you're one of those folks that truly is a hundred percent fulfilled at work, wow. 

Let me know. Are you guys hiring? Um, but more realistically, it's all a balance. None of us are ever completely fulfilled from one thing. If you are, then you probably need to re evaluate your balance. I'm already feeling like a weight is lifted off of me. I've been wanting to do this and it's kind of been holding me back. 

How can I jump into a new animation project about something silly when I'm feeling these things? And another example of why this could be of value to you is hopefully seeing the weight lift off of me during the duration of this episode. [00:17:00] Uh, maybe it'll urge you or, or prompt you to, to share what's struggled, what you're struggling with. 

Even, even whether that's with your, your family or your friends, or even just writing it down in the journal, whatever it is valuable. You're valuable. I'm valuable. Thermoses are not valuable. I do have a Stanley thermos. It's a green one. It's the same one that your grandfather probably had in 1939. And it's just fine. 

You know, if I had to, I could spray paint that motherfucker, but I'm not going to do that. What I'm going to do is focus on what I can focus on and love my wife. I'm going to love my friends and my family, and I'm going to drop some sweet, hot content for y'all. Whether you like it or not. I can't be concerned about that, but I hope you do. 

And I hope you like this one. Happy New Year to everyone. Go blue, baby. And, you know, just as importantly as Go Blue, go fucking Lions. Let's go. If you're involved in the conversation about whether or not to boo or cheer Stafford, shut the fuck up. [00:18:00] Uh, Stafford's a person too, and he gave us a lot of time. 

And, you know, you can boo all you want, but I don't know. I've never booed anyone in my entire life. I'm certainly not going to start with this guy. If you're a booer, maybe take a look in the mirror and decide who you're really booing. Right? Right? That said, get loud, Ford Field. Go Lions! Thanks to all the fanatics out there, or if you're just kind of randomly coming across this, hopefully you become a fanatic. 

I appreciate you, and I'm gonna sign off for now. Thanks for, thanks for your time. Peace out, everybody. Believe me, I never wanted to be this way. Never wanted to be this fake. Never thought that I'd be this age. And we know so soon, we'll settle down out west. T shirts and low class outlets. Roasters we wish we weren't. 

Look at the way I've been brought up, look at the way I call my God, I never [00:19:00] wanted it bad enough. Well, mirror me in some fashion, in something fashionable, with a procession, this would sound like a song I used to know, but never wrote, cause it was beautiful and predictable like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, 

Hardly two feet in the same boat, Hardly two keys on the same note, If you knew I wish you woulda never said so, Don't go beggin and feelin and feelin Like we never was the realest shit, I don't see it that way anymore, I don't see a mistake anymore. 

Bear me in some fashion, in something fashionable. With dirt and words that sound like a song we used to know but never wrote Cause it was beautiful and predictable life Outro[00:20:00]  

Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh Oh, oh, there goes all I ever wanted How'd I ever fail so soon?[00:21:00]