**watch on youtube** ... inspired by a weekend observation, kirk parodies an all-too-common reality: companies that don't practice what they preach. maybe you've seen a hair stylist with a bad 'do or a doctor who smokes. today you'll learn all about a local signmaker who specializes in bad signs.
the episode concludes with a funky jazz jam called "trees", produced and performed by the host.
all the attic links!
**watch on youtube** ... inspired by a weekend observation, kirk parodies an all-too-common reality: companies that don't practice what they preach. maybe you've seen a hair stylist with a bad 'do or a doctor who smokes. today you'll learn all about a local signmaker who specializes in bad signs.
the episode concludes with a funky jazz jam called "trees", produced and performed by the host.
all the attic links!
E186
What’s up everybody?
Today is Wednesday, May 4th, 2022.
This is A Talk in the Attic, and I’m your host Kirk Ross.
Today’s a big one for virgins across the land, as May the Fourth marks Star Wars Day, as in May the Fourth Be With You.
Some people celebrate May the Fourth by watching their favorite Star Wars flicks.
But sitting on your ass watching a kids movie isn’t what a Jedi would be doing today.
And certainly not Luke Skywalker…he’d be too busy lusting after his sister, the bodacious Princess Leia.
Ahhhh, the early 80’s, when incestual undertones in space were all the rage.
Not dissimilar from the CAN I GET A REFEILL dance troupe from the The Ski Trip 3 finale. Episode 184 - check it out on YouTube if you haven’t already.
Check this one out on YouTube too. Subscribe, follow, like, do whatever you can. Your thumbs are primed for a big summer ahead, so if I could just get you to inch that little guy over to that like button…just a little bit more…stretch that thumb…and TAP!
Whew! You did it! Thank you!
Sincerely, I appreciate your support in whatever form it comes. Whether you’re actively commenting on official Attic content or you’re silently devouring this free material in the dark recesses of your serial killer home, too focused on your next victim to move that finger over and tap the like button, I appreciate you either way.
You see, likes and comments and shares help highlight a post, which then generates a higher likelihood of other people outside the Attic circle seeing the post. Logically, the more people from outside the Attic circle who see a clip or episode artwork, the more listeners and viewers we can pick up. It snowballs from there.
The value of this podcast to me, and ultimately for you, is creative expression in whatever form rules the day. So you can imagine why the thought of creating a business out of it might detract from the objective.
SO I’m constantly in a man-vs-himself conflict about how to approach growing the reach of the show.
Spend money to advertise? Meh.
Seek out sponsors? Ugh.
But I always land in the same place: let’s keep doing what we’re doing.
Let’s generate a small but intense community of creatives and supporters and see where it goes from there.
So I’ll do my part. I’ll continue to push out the innards of my creative soul as regularly as I can.
And you do your part. Listen, watch, engage, tell your friends, tell your enemies, maybe buy an Attic hat and wear it around your town. You can even talk shit about the show publicly - any press is good press.
Capisce?
Bello.
Since we were just talking about potential sponsorships, I figured I could share a submission I received from an aspiring endorser.
A lot of people don’t know that I receive boatloads of unsolicited sample ads from various business owners looking to promote their business on the show.
But people only don’t know that because it’s not actually true.
But let’s pretend for the rest of the show that it is true.
I’d like to play a couple for you.
Look, I have no interest in bringing this or any advertiser in, but there’s still entertainment in sharing it nonetheless.
I hope you enjoy this one. Take it away, Frank.
FRANK’S SIGN DEPOT
Hi, my name is Frank Tarkowski, founder and CEO of FRANK’S SIGN DEPOT.
We specialize in competitively priced signage for your business.
Any Tom, Dick, or Harry can quote a sign for your shop.
But only Frank’s Sign Depot can offer you our patented technology that ensures at least one illuminated letter of your business name is always completely dead.
That’s right, you might recognize us from your neighborhood Golden Coral Country Buffet.
Would you believe me if I told you we’ve shipped nearly 275 Golden Coral signs nationwide, and not a single one of ‘em with a working G.
Thats why we call it the Olden Oral here Frank’s Sign Depot.
The reality is, people are sick of seeing fully functioning signs. Hell, if people wanted perfect logos, they can just start at their phones.
But some rolls up to a Mattress Warehouse and they notice a couple letters flickering? Well you bet your bottom dollar they’ll stop in.
We’ve always known bad signs draw in the customers. But we had to know why.
So we hired an unlicensed psychologist from Craigslist to analyze what happens inside the brain of a potential patron when a partially lit sign is observed.
The doctor returned to us a 300-page manifesto about how insects will soon be the only sustainable food source or some shit.
So we cut bait with that expert and just figure out ourselves:
When someone sees a missing letter in a sign, they think, “Wow, that company doesn’t waste money on sign repairs, I bet these reduced overhead rates translate to lower prices!”
But don’t take our word for it…hear from a few of our satisfied customers.
AS BILL:
Hi y’all, I’m Bill Sassafrass from Sassafrass Western, the only Frontier-themed museum in southwest Michigan.
Before we went to Frank at Frank’s Sign Depot, we wasn’t getting any foot traffic in this place.
But after a short consultation, they delivered a brand new sign and a whole lot of business.
By installing our new missing-letter sign, Sassafrass Western became Assa-ass West.
And now we’re the hottest frontier-themed museum in the country.
Our clientele shifted from dusty old folks to a young, hip crowd of men who enjoy loud house music and smooching one another behind the stage coach.
It’s not my way, but I don’t judge none.
So come on down to Ass-ass West, and pick yourself up a brand new gold-rush-themed mesh tank top!
Thanks Frank!
AS GEORGE BENAZIO:
My name is George Benazio, and I’m running for local senate seat as God-fearing Republican.
My old sign wasn’t doing the trick. I was tracking at 2% in the local polls.
But I ran into my old friend Frank from Frank’s Sign Depot, and he ran something by me.
He said that he could reduce my overall sign cost and increase effectiveness by eliminating a few pesky letters.
Thanks to Frank, I’m now running the country’s 3rd-most-visited Alt-Right website.
And my new followers might just put me over the edge come November.
Thanks, Frank’s Sign Depot!
(For those of you listening, you’ll have to go to the YouTube channel to see the joke in Mr. Benazio’s endorsement.
There you have it, folks, save money and grow your business.
Do you own a business with an apostrophe in the name? Remove it? Saves you on electricity and drives away the intellectual crowd.
Are you ready for a shot of electricity in your sales? Then let me redirect some of that sign’s electrical current right into you books.
Call us a 1-800-Ranks.
That’s 1-800-Ranks, like Franks, but without the F…and the apostrophe.
JINGLE
What do you guys think? Should we bring on Frank’s Sign Depot as a sponsor?
Naa, let’s just stick with the original plan.
I post free content. You subscribe, like, and share.
Easy peasy.
Peace out, everybody!