A Talk in the Attic

business jargon

July 13, 2021 Season 2 Episode 132
A Talk in the Attic
business jargon
Show Notes Transcript

*watch on youtube* 

an unprecedented, behind-the-scenes glimpse of attic industries ceo kirk ross's powerful speech at their 19th annual corporate retreat, originally recorded in 2007. in this rare footage, the leader motivates his team the only way he knows how: by spewing inane, meaningless business jargon while remaining completely out of touch with his dedicated worker bees. *any similarities between this fictitious installment and any of the companies from kirk's past are purely coincidental!* music by mikey geiger, licensed through soundstripe.

topics covered:
- circling the wagon
- synergy
- going above and beyond
- 401k cutbacks
- leveraging core competencies
- blocking and tackling
- following the march
- other stupid corp-speak you've all heard hundreds of times


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What’s up everybody?


Today is July 13th, 2021. This is A TALK IN THE ATTIC, and I’m your host Kirk Ross.


Today’s episode, like so many of these Tuesday shorts, will serve a dual purpose.


Obviously, it will serve as the standard episode for y’all - that goes without saying.


But on top of that, I’ll be using the next few minutes to sharpen my business acumen, which isn’t something I’ve worked on in quite some time. 


Although it’s not official - it’s not even unofficial at this point - but I’m close to landing a strategic sales consulting contract, which would be my first, with a local West Michigan chemical company, more details as they become available. 


The prospective team I”d be joining is young and hungry and energetic, I’m already friends with several of them. It’s exciting stuff. 


I won’t get into tremendous detail here, but believe me when I say I’m excited to join a team that is interested in growth rather than protecting generational wealth. No disrespect to the generationally wealthy. None whatsoever. 


It’s just a truism that some companies are interested in growing and others are interested in not shrinking. My last situation ended as a result of a fit issue that stems from this misalignment.


Needless to say, I’m stoked at the thought of working with a team who’s organizational goals match that of my job description. My gut tells me this new company will hire me to sell, and then actually support the selling process. How exciting, right!?


The rest of today’s installment will be saturated with that which anyone who has ever worked in a corporate office environment knows all too well: That’s right - all the inane, meaningless jargon that dominates meetings, destroys morale, and derails productivity. 


So strap in, Corporate America. This one’s for you.


Let’s start the show!




Hello, everybody, and thank you for joining us on our 19th annual ATTIC INDUSTRIES corporate retreat. We’re going to hear from a lot of team members today, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to kick us off today. 


We here at ATTIC INDUSTRIES know exactly what it is we’re here to do, dont we? 


 We’re here to kick ass and take names. And lest we forget, we’re here to make money. Like I said last year… This isn’t a non-profit, people! HA! Kills everytime!


Our mission is simple, folks. It’s simple. 


We’re here to leverage our core competencies in order to not only compete, but to dominate the premium marketplace.  


But before we can truly leverage said expertise, I’m gonna need something from each and every one of you. 


Who knows what that is? 


Anybody? That’s right, BUY-IN! You need to buy in. You need to buy into what I’m saying. You need to buy into what we’re building. You need to buy in. 


Because until you buy in, then you don’t have skin in the game. And why is it important to have skin in the game?


That’s right! So we can empower you to move the needle on that project. 


Each of you has been assigned by your various superiors to a specific swim lane for which you responsible for brining home the bacon. 


You’re in a silo, but that doesn’t mean you’re about to buy the farm, if you pick up what I’m putting down. 


I know, I know: there are lots of moving parts. And sometimes, we question how scalable this whole thing really is because of said moving parts. 


But luckily for us, we’ve committed over TWENTY THOUSAND man-hours, and a few hundred woman ones too, to ensure that our best practices are just that: BEST. PRACTICES. 


But this isn’t practice, folks. This is real life. If Q3 is our battlefield, then leveraging our competitive advantages is our mission, and we will not rest until we have all of our ducks in a row. 


We will not plant the ATTIC flag into the soil of our competitors - NAY! Our enemies - until we are so vertically integrated that not even the Sales team will be able to throw this one over the old Chinese wall. 


IT’s about staying in our swim lanes, sure. But it’s also about drilling down. It’s about blocking and tackling. It’s about synergizing our lessons learned. It’s about eliminated unneeded redundancies and making the necessary ones as robust as we can. 


It’s about taking it to the next level. It’s about getting on the same page. And level-setting expectations. 


But what isn’t it about?…


…what aren’t we about here at ATTIC industries? Well, I’ll tell ya. 


It’s isn’t about resting on our laurels. It’s not about circling the wagons. It isn’t about finding the perfect price point. It’s not all blue sky thinking. Look at these glasses - you’ll see no rose-colored lenses here, no sir-ee-bob!


It’s time to roll up our sleeves. To get on all fours. To jump into the soup. How else will we become agents of change in this competitive landscape? 


But before we run this concept to ground, then allow me to pivot. 


I know we are all giving 110%, but what about those who are limited by the mathematical fact that states 100% is the maximum effort one can spend? 


THat’s loser thinking, people. We’re not here to boil the ocean while you figure out how to give more of yourself to this enterprise. 


Just when you think you can’t give anymore, you need to dig deep. The low-hanging fruit has already been picked, people. Make sure you’re not stepping over dollars as you pick up pennies, here, okay!?


Sweep the sheds. Hell, punch a puppy if you have to. Block. Tackle. March. Don’t think for yourselves. Make as much money for the company as you can so that you’ll see a biannual salary increase. You know the drill. Team work. Engagement. Synergy. Autocracy. Oligarchy. 


I’m sure many of you have questions for me, and you know how important transparently is to us here at ATTIC INDUSTRIES, but unfortunately the Q&A session has been postponed as a result of just how full of shit I am. 


But before we go, I want to remind you of something, and any questions you might have will  be taken offline. Ping my staff, and maybe we can do a deep-dive and drill down further once I open up some bandwidth down the road. I’ll be out of pocket until next summer, but I urge you to try and connect whenever you can. 


 What I want to say, ATTIC warriors, is this: 


There’s a whitespace out there that is just begging to be leveraged with our operational excellence and year-over-year profit margins. And it will take more than just a list of action items to solve this one. Going forward, you must all take a high-level view so we can bubble up any serious issues. 


And then, like we do every year, we’ll circle back and reevaluate. Because it’s that cut and dry. Our window of opportunity is now, everybody. Let’s make sure our body of work reflects our core competencies and leverages our market position to do just that: unpack this 30,000-foot view by our hard stop so we can disrupt the industry. 


I’ve got to hop on a call here, as I wear a lot of hats. It isn’t easy being the guy with his name on the side of the building. 


And with that, I’ll hand it over to Sharon, who has some unfortunate updates about that 401K match that we still haven’t reinstated as well as some sobering news about out impending cutbacks coming down the pipeline in Q3. 


And while we’re on the subject of Q3 terminations, let’s all remember to make it the most productive Q3 ever, ATTIC warriors!


Peace out, everybody!