a great episode to *watch on youtube* !!
after days of effort, Kirk is finally ready to share these commercial parodies from the show's #fakesponsors. #parody #spoof #adjokes
ad graphics from each fake sponsor
atita links
a great episode to *watch on youtube* !!
after days of effort, Kirk is finally ready to share these commercial parodies from the show's #fakesponsors. #parody #spoof #adjokes
ad graphics from each fake sponsor
atita links
What’s up everybody?
Today is Friday, August 6th, 2021.
This is A TALK IN THE ATTIC, and im your host, Kirk Ross.
As most of you already know, this podcast is not one that features paid advertisements. Not because I can’t find any - you all have been turning out at a high enough clip that I could make some profits off ad revenue, but I choose not to.
I’m not trying to sound like some Marxist here, but I truly believe in shielding both myself and all of you listeners and viewers from further exposure to the already omnipresent and incessant influx of marketing that’s constantly bombarding us.
When it’s not billboards, it’s TV commercials. When it’s not radio spots, it’s Instagram influencers. When it’s not location-based banner ads, it’s location-based data mining on your social media apps.
Suggestive marketing tactics are all around us, many of which we’re opting into and some of which we’re not opting into.
Who am I to hit you with even more advertisements when what you’re really opting into is some time in the Attic with yours truly. You came for the show, not for the ads.
And to further complicate the situation, I’ve already lured you into listening or watching this production using my own A TALK IN THE ATTIC social media posts, aka organic, limited-reach social media ADS.
Let’s get this straight, I advertise my show to you, which is already an ask. Then, once you’re here, I’m supposed to subject you to MORE ADS?
Where in this mangled mess of marketing mind-games would there be any space for y’all to spend some time thinking about whatever it is we’re supposed to be thinking about, hmm?
So, for those of you who are new to the show, or if you missed EPISODE 47 “YOUR AD HERE” from a year ago, then now you understand why I’m resistant to bringing ads into the Attic.
No ads for you, people. With that in mind, I hope you’ll consider joining as a paid member of the fanATTIC group on Patreon. Rather than indirectly supporting the show by subjecting yourself to marketing, you’d have the opportunity to take out the middlemen aka ad agencies who have already established how much money they can milk from the average amalgamation of generic listeners - and help fund the show directly. There are two tiers available on Patreon: a $5 per month tier and a $20 per month tier.
Big ups to those of you have already and continue to subscribe.
Five bucks a month. To support something you regularly listen to or watch. Small price to pay to directly support something unique and organic, right?
And if it’s not the steep price tag that’s scaring you off, then what is it? Maybe you’re leery of Patreon, perhaps? For those of you who don’t know, Patreon is a creator-supporting subscription platform that allows patrons to support the creators they follow. If you don’t know what Patreon is, then think Only Fans, but with less nudity.
And if you don’t know what Only Fans is, then all I can say is (PROVE IT) “yea right… you know what Only Fans is”.
Please consider supporting the show through Patreon. Help keep this project alive by helping us out!
Then you won’t have to hear commercials when you tune in.
But here’s the thing: I love conceptualizing commercial ideas. I think back to some of my favorite Saturday Night Live sketches from the past, and they’re almost universally spoof commercial spots. The Bass-o-Matic, Colon Blow, Little Chocolate Donuts, Schmits Gay, The O’Houlihan Kid, Dissing Your Dog - all classic parodies.
Even here in the Attic context, one of my favorite bits from last year came in the college-themed “EPISODE 51 - BACK TO SCHOOL”, when spokes-psycho Four Look Frankie urged students across the land to suck one of their boozy speedball’s down.
In fact, we’ll let that original Four Looks ad play us into today’s episode, which is all about fake sponsors and their fake ads.
First let me offer true gratitude to Cento Anni in Holland and The Standing Desk in Grand Rapids for supporting the show by helping to outfit this studio with dope ass furniture.
And of course, shout out to HILTON for the theme song up top.
Now, onto the fake sponsors.
Let’s the start the show!
SPOT 1: FOUR LOKO FRANKIE <DONE>
SPOT 2: BAD STORY TELLER DEVICE
“…and at that point, I think I went back and asked the guy….no wait, didn’t I already mentioned that part…or… but don’t worry I’ll come back to it again…and I remember because we had already tried to talk with him earlier…plus his cousin’s friend had just lost his keys or……….”
We’ve all been there - stuck listening to a story being told by someone who has no concept of storytelling. “Oh shoot, I already gave away the ending!”
Or maybe you yourself struggle with determining which details are necessary and which should be eliminated. “…I’m pretty sure it was 70 cents off. Or 65 cents, maybe. Somewhere between 65 and 70 cents. I wouldn’t want to mischaracterize how many cents talking about here.”
Have you ever noticed that your audience’s eyes glaze over once you get the floor?
Have you ever wondered why everyone has to grab another drink or use the restroom during your stories?
“…I’d love to know more about the mixup at the vet concerning your cat’s declawing appointment, but I actually have to head to the bathroom and eat a cyanide pill. I’ll catch up with you late——. It was nice meeting you.”
Then today is your lucky day. Because here at McClintock Industries, we’ve got just the product for you.
Hi, I’m Jimmy McClintock, and today I’m here to tell you about our latest innovation: The Read-A-Room Course Correction Implant.
Using cutting edge science, we’ve designed a fully implantable chipset aimed at keeping you on track.
After a brief consultation, your skull will be outfitted with 6 patented EyeScan sensors designed to pick up on ALL those not-so-subtle hints that you’re losing the room. Things like, halfhearted smiles, indirect eye contact, phone checking, repetitive gazes at wrists watches, and when it’s bad enough, even slowly backing away from the storyteller.
The real magic, however, comes in the form of our state-of-the-art SpeakEasy Module, a device that’s just barely larger than a standard fast-pitch softball and will be implanted in the left side of of your cerebrum - the area designated to govern speech. When the 6 patented EyeScan sensors detect a bored audience, then the SpeakEasy Module takes over by quickly wrapping up your story and giving the floor back to somebody more interesting. Here’s a clip from one of our clinical studies.
“It’s not like I hadn’t been promoted before - I can’t help but really stand out wherever I am. It’s just that I think I’m intimidating to people because of the way I look. I’m really not that impressive. I’m probably the most humble person I know…” (TINY BEEPS)
BEEP “…but that’s irrelevant, sorry. What did you say your name was again?”
But The Read-A-Room Course Correction Implant can help more than just bad storytellers!
People like RUDE CUSTOMERS: “Are these the only 6 IPA’s you’ve got on tap?” BEEP “…Honestly, when I really think about it, you’re offering a really great selection of IPA’s. I mean 6 different IPA’s? That all kinda taste like ass? THat’s more than enough options, especially given the fact that I only pretend to care about all the technical details of various brewing styles in order to mask my soul-crushing loneliness and barely-functional alcoholism. I’ll just go with the Dogfish Head. That’s what I would have ordered no matter how many IPA options there were anyway. Ha!”
Or CREEPS: “Hey, I know I’m technically your boss, but…” BEEP “…hey, I’ve got to run, actually. Just remembered I left my toaster…plugged…in.”
And let’s not forget THE RACISTS: “I don’t have anything against black people, they’re just not —…” BEEEEEEEP “You know what, I think I’m just gonna head out.”
This is Jimmy McClintock, on behalf of McClintock Industries, and I’m here to tell YOU that the Read-A-Room Course Correction Implant is the product for you.
And I would know. I’ve been using one for years. And I haven’t said anything racist in over 3 months, not since I saw that filthy BEEEEP downtown and called him a disgusting BEEEP beep beep boop…not since I saw that nice-looking Latino downtown. (SMILE with Sparkle)
SPOT 3: MEAT-BASED PLANTS
(As a little kid): Sometimes mommy brings her friend Carol into the bedroom when you’re not home, Dad.
Hahaha, quite the imagination you have there, Billy.
Kids tend to say the darnedest things, don’t they? But sometimes what they say is true too.
One thing I think all kids agree on: VEGGIES ARE GROSS! YUCK!!!!
Yuck is right, kids! Veggies are gross!
But you know what isn’t gross? MEAT!!!! HOOORAYYYY!
That’s why, for the first time ever, we here at Greenfarm Farms are offering an entire line of MEAT-BASED PLANTS.
Corn on the cob? Meh. Baby corns? Meh. How about Baby Cow Corns? That’s right, veal on the cob.
What if I told you that delicious carrot you just ate was actually made entirely of pork shoulder?
100% Brussel sprouts? 100% Dolphin accidentally netted during industrial tuna fishing. What else we gonna do with all these dolphin meat?
We here at Greenfarm Farms know how important the rights of all of Earth’s beautiful creatures are to you.
Sustainability is key, which is exactly why all the animals at our meat-based veggie farm are fed a diet made entirely of plant-based meats.
Have you ever had an soybean made entirely of a cow who was fed a meticulous diet of pea-based faux-beefsteaks?
Then you haven’t checked out Greenfarm Laboratorie…BEEEP… I mean Greenfarm Farms.
The worlds first FARM to offer meat-based veggies fed entirely of plant-based meats.
We’re definitely a farm. BEEP
SPOT 4: CROSS-FIT FOR THE ELDERLY “TURN THE PAGE” CROSS-FIT
Have you lost that 6-pack? Has your ass permanently moved to Florida? Are you questioning why it is you even wake up after all these years?
If you answered yes to any of those questions and are over the age of 75, then this ad is for you.
Let me repeat that a little slower and more loudly for you: IF YOU’RE OVER 75, THEN THIS AD IS FOR YOU.
Because our elite staff at Turn the Page Cross-Fit is ready to welcome all you sundowners into our MEMBERSHIP ENROLLMENT NIGHT.
Get off of death’s doors and saunter your way up to our door. Don’t worry, we’re installing a ramp right now!
Turn the Page believes in the vision that elderly cross-fit is just what the senior citizen community needs right now.
Throw bags of sand over your shoulder without regard for the long-term spinal injuries you might sustain. Worst case, you die, and isn’t that kinda what you want anyway?
Get ripped before death grips!
The only thing sagging now is the barbell.
We’ve truly thought of everything here at Turn the Page Cross-Fit, which is why we were intentional when we purchased up all the old Bill Knapp’s buildings when they went belly up last summer. Each and every one of the nearly 100 Turn the Page Cross-Fit Gyms is in what used to be a Bill Knapps.
We’ve even kept the layout pretty much the same. Including the salad bar, which will be open for business on MEMBERSHIP ENROLLMENT NIGHT….with many of the same diverticulitis-safe culinary offerings you came to expect from Bill Knapps.
Turn the Page Cross-Fit Gym: the world’s first cross-fit community exclusively for geriatrics.
Turn the Page Cross-Fit Gym: Come for the workout (or the buffet), stay for eternity!
SPOT 5: INTERNET CAFE “DO YOU PRIVATE STUFF IN PUBLIC!”
The following is a paid ad for Vision 2021 Internet Cafe, located at the corner of 28th and Beltline in Grand Rapids, MI.
Are you sick of masturbating in private?
****RECORD SCRATCH*****
I’m sorry folks, I fell asleep at the wheel on that one. I thought I had screened out Vision 2021 Internet Cafe. Creeps. Moving on.
SPOT 6: PUG GRUMBLE DEVICE (FROM THE MAKERS OF SPOT 2)
Hi, my name is Dr. Maxine Lewis, and I’ve spent my entire career studying the intricate complex network of interspecial communication happening amongst animals across the globe.
I’ve studied cats, I’ve studied cockatoos. I’ve studied bats, and even kangaroos. I even wrote my doctoral thesis on non-verbal cues employed amongst sea scallops. (You may not know it at first glance, but scallops can be real bitches to one another. If looks could kill….whew!)
But even more interesting than the infinitely intriguing world of mean-mugging mollusks is the delicate and elegant communication system that has been established in the world’s Pug population.
In the over 70 MILLION unique Pug subjects I’ve studied throughout my career, we have cataloged and studied the roughly 730 unique sighs and grumbles ever observed.
Pugs in China say HHHHHHHHHH the same way American Pugs say HHHHHHHHHH. And in both cases, it means, DON’T STOP PETTING ME, HUMAN SLAVE.
Danish Pugs sigh GGGGGGG just like Nigerian Pugs say GGGGGG. Universally, GGGGGG means DON’T SHIFT YOUR BODYWEIGHT, I’M TRYING TO SLEEP.
The list of sighs and grumbles truly goes on….dhhhhhhh….and on….dhhhhhhhhhhhh…..and onnnnnn….DDHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
But after a serendipitous ME TOO scandal forced a hilariously sitcomesque court-ordered business partnership between Jimmy McClintock and my independent research firm, we are bringing to market a combination of decades of my pug research with the McClintock family’s generational wealth built entirely by ground-breaking scientific innovation and simple tax evasion.
By the fine folks who brought you the READ-A-ROOM COURSE CORRECTION IMPLANT from just a few spots back, McClintock Industries is proud to present the MHHHHHHH-3000 PUG GRUMBLE TRANSLATOR.
Hi, it’s old Jimmy McClintock, here to talk about our Pug Grumble Translator. The MHHHH-3000 utilizes early-90’s YakBak technology and Dr. Lewis’ extensive and self-admittedly unverified knowledge on this highly specific field of study. If I’m being honest, I don’t fully believe her, but the judge said I had to do this venture with her all because I grabbed her by the DHHHHHHHHHHHHH BEEEP
The MHHHHHHH-3000 PUG GRUMBLE TRANSLATOR. Available at Sharper Image, the same high-tech outlet in which Trump Steaks were inexplicably and exclusively available for all 3 months Trump Steaks were available.
SPOT 7: SWEATIN TO THE EMO’S HOME WORKOUT PROGRAM
EMO.
Breakups stink. So do saggy thighs.
Aerobics can’t fix our love thet’s died.
I hate you, I hate you. Brenna.
And I don’t owe you any debt!
I’ll just shut my mouth and I’ll SWEEEAAATTT…
Sweatin’ to the Emo’s, the first at-home video series that allows you to wallow while you wobble; and to show your inner vamp while you’re on an indoor tramp. Think Richard Simmons, but somehow sadder.
Eyes down. Bangs hang. Shoulders slumped. Tap that foot. Now let’s sweeaaatttt…..
Are those beads of sweat or are those tears? …… You’re not my dad!
Order the entire 12-VHS series of Sweatin to the Emo’s before it’s too late. That teenage angst will soon dissipate, JUST LIKE HER LOVE FOR YOU DIDDDD…. so order now!
SPOT 8: CEREAL BOX THAT’S MADE OF CEREAL FILLED WITH CEREAL MADE OF CARDBOARD (started as an error)
Greenfarm Farms presents, the most disruptive product to hit the grocery shelves since that ill-fated meat-based plant product we’re not allowed to discuss.
Greenfarm Farms presents Recycla-O’s the worlds first cereal made entirely of recycled cereal boxes.
And since we know sustainability is important to all you noisy K-Pop fans who will cancel us if we don’t pretend to care about sustainability, we’ve gone the extra mile to ensure that each and every unit of Recycla-O’s is packaged in a 100% biodegradable box made up entirely of recycled cereal. What else we gonna do with all these Grape Nuts?
Some might call this product too similar to the meat-based veggie product. That it’s the same product with just different words placed in at a few parts, but it’s overall the same exact product.
I guess I would agree. Which can only mean one thing…..
PEACE OUT, EVERYBODY.