lot lizard blues

watch on youtube... after a doubt-laden opening segment, kirk takes to his virtual cb radio and dives into an episode all about trucker talk. #lotlizard #bigrig #tractortrailer #semitruck #trucktalk #cartalk #language

episode brought to you by 'lot lizard dental dams'.

show links

Transcript

What’s up, everybody? Today is Tuesday, Aug 24, 2021.

This is A TALK IN THE ATTIC, and I’m your host Kirk Ross. 

Comin’ at ya with an educational episode today - but isn’t every episode educational, if you watch or listen with the right mindset, folks?

Cheesy faux-reflections aside, there is no doubt you’ll be learning a lot in this particular installment…

Because for the next 15 minutes, we’re going to be looking into a form of communication that is foreign to most of us. 

And while it seems otherworldly, this language is spoken all around us every single day. 

Have you ever ordered something from Amazon? Maybe a discreetly packaged sex toy bundle from BUTTSTUFF.COM? Do you know how that gets there?

Have you ever been driving down the freeway when what in your rearview mirror should appear but a massive chrome grille as it’s barreling near?

I’m talking about Trucks people. You know, BIG RIGS, SEMIS, TRACTOR-TRAILER, T-R-U-C-K-S TRUCKS. 

Well, I’m really talking about TRUCKERS, and their unique code language they’ve established over the years.

Some of you might be thinking, WHY, KIRK? WHY ARE YOU DOING AN EPISODE ON TRUCK TALK?

Wow, maybe it’s just your low-pitch voice, but I gather some hostility in that question, hypothetical listener.

WELL MAYBE I AM HOSTILE. YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE LIKE SPECIFIC THINGS? 

Yea, I mean.

WELL YOUR SHOW ISN’T SPECIFIC WHATSOEVER. IT’S ALL OVER THE GOD-DAMN MAP. ONE DAY YOU’RE TALKIN ABOUT THE ORGINS OF LSD AND THE NEXT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT DEFUNCT BURGER CHAINS. 

Let me stop you…

…NO! IT’S MY TURN TO TALK, OK? SO NO! I WON’T LET YOU STOP ME. ONE WEEK YOU’RE TELLING STORIES ABOUT ROMANTIC REJECTION IN FIRST GRADE AND THE NEXT YOU’RE TEDDY FUCKING ROOSEVELT. IT’S TOO MUCH. IT’S TOO VARIED. 

Wow, I seemed to have really struck a nerve here.   (I’LL SAY!)    But I appreciate you brought it up, because this is something I wrestle with often. Afterall, hypothetical listener, you are, at the end of the day, me. 

(HUH?)

I realize full-well that specificity is important in building a brand, particularly one in the creative industry. And I also understand that this show’s focus isn’t always clear to you. Maybe the show is too unspecific to really take hold. I used to worry about this constantly. And I still worry about it occasionally, but I am at least getting better at ignoring that bass-heavy hostile voice in my head that says, 

FIND A TOPIC AND STICK TO IT!  SET RULES FOR EPISODE LENGTH AND FORMAT!  YOU’RE NOT A MUSICIAN!

And when I prevail over these thoughts, it’s always because I convince myself that it’s ME who is specific. My widely varying interests in and of themselves, as a set, is specific. In other words, I convince myself that you’re tuning in for me…

…which I know sounds conceited, and arrogant, and narcissistic. But it takes a little bit of each of those traits to have the desire to do something like start an independent podcast in lieu of the career I’d built. 

Most people have no interest in doing something like this, right? So what makes me want to? Sometimes, I let the fear that I’m doing this for the wrong reasons creep in, and it prevents me from producing at the creative level I strive for. 

ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR THE WRONG REASONS? WHAT THE FUCK, KIRK? YOU’RE JUST A LITTLE….

Enough! I have to shut off the doubt. Because it’s not based in reality whatsoever. I know exactly why I’m doing this. But I also know that some people - even people I call friends - assume I’m doing it for the wrong reasons, and at times I adopt those assumptions as my own.

But that’s just lunacy, isn’t it? Why would I let the beliefs of people outside my true circle have any impact on how I’m framing this project? They’re not even beliefs! They’re just potential beliefs based on my own speculation, which, by the way, is just another mechanism of that same self-doubt I talked about earlier. 

DAMN RIGHT! I’M COMING AT YOU IN ALL KINDS OF WAYS, BRO! HAHA!

So if these concerns about my true intentions are of my own creation, then isn’t it just ME who’s concerned about my intentions?

YEA, BABY! NOW WE’RE GETTIN’ SOMEWHERE!

And if it’s me who’s concerned about my intentions, then are my intentions actually pure? 

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. SLOW DOWN THERE.

Then maybe I’m just an attention-starved man-child without a True North who needs to perform to feel valuable because I’m afraid I’m worthless. 

YIKES, THIS WENT IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION THAN I EXPECTED. 

A narcissist? Is that all I am?

THAT’S IT, I’VE GOT TO STEP IN. WOULD A NARCISSIST EVEN BE AWARE THAT HE’S A NARCISSIST? ISN’T THIS VERY CONVERSATION, ALBEIT HIGHLY ABSTRACT, EVIDENCE OF YOUR OWN SELF-AWARENESS? STOP IT. YOU KNOW WHY YOU’RE DOING THIS. 

Wow, I never thought I’d say this, Doubt, but thank you for getting me back on track there. 

DON’T MENTION IT. 

Pretty wild ride there, huh? How we started on one side of the conversation but then reversed roles somewhere in there? 

I WAS THERE. NO NEED TO BELABOR IT.

Just really incredible stuff, don’t you think? (UGGGH!)     What do you suppose all this says about our relationship moving forward, Doubt? Do you see a solid future for….

FUCK YOU, KIRK. QUIT BLABBERING AND START THE SHOW, YOU ARROGANT PIECE OF SHIT. 

Well, that wasn’t very…

START THE FUCKING SHOW.

Let’s start the show. 

(HARD ROCK W/ TRUCKER VIBES

BREAKER BREAKER ONE NINE. BREAKER ONE NINER.

This is Big Rig Bill, getting some static on ONE-NINER. Let’s GO TO THE HARLEY.

THE WHAT?

GO TO THE HARLEY. YOU KNOW, CHANNEL 1?

COPY THAT. SWITCHING TO HARLEY.

Got your ears on?

KEY DOWN, GOOD NEIGHBOR, YOU’RE RADIO IS A LITTLE LOUD.

This is Big Rig Billy, what’s your handle?

I repeat: who am I speaking with? And what’s you 20? OVER. 

THIS IS CB CYRIL. I’M DRIVING IN THIS ANTEATER UP ON Ho Chi Minh TRAIL.

Ho Chi Minh Trail? Either you’re a long way from home, or you hauling ass down California HWY 152!  

I’m driving in my Anteater on the PCH myself. Not too far from ya. 

AN ANTEATER? YOU MEAN AN AARDVARK?

ANTEATER / AARDVARK - a Kenworth T-600 is a Kenworth T-600 is a Kentworth T-600. 

WHY DO THEY CALL EM THAT AGAIN?

Because of the long sloped hood, the first of its kind to use this aerodynamic design. What are you driving?

JUST BOBTAILIN’ MY BULLDOG right now. Station was all locked up so I dropped off the trailer. Just me an my Mack truck now. 

Station’s locked up? Hear tell they’re run-in’ em across a little north of you. 

TRUTH IS, MY TANKER’S BUNDLED OUT. GROSSED UP. TOO MANY EGGS IN THE BASKET, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.

You’re running a thermos bottle overweight? You bet go through the woods unless you want to run 

across some bears in the bushes. 

BEARS IN THE BUSHES!? I haven’t seen a single cop all day - budget cuts, I guess. WHEN ARE YOU CALLING IT A NIGHT?

I’d been having a shutter trouble, couldn’t sleep, so I just swallowed a few more West Coast

Turnarounds, so I don’t foresee a brake check for another thousand yardsticks. 

A thousand miles on just a few Adderall? Make sure you keep that shiny side up, Big Rig Billy!

Hell, I’ll keep my shiny side up, but I can’t promise you I won’t run a couple roller-skates off the road!

Well try to keep the meat wagons at bay - don’t want you or anyone else to become road pizza, Billy. 

10-4 CB Cyril. Over!

SQUELCH / SHIFTING

Is anybody out there? …. I repeat, is anybody out there? C’mon, I know there’s at least a couple of you reading the mail out there. 

THIS IS SANDBAGGING SANDY, I MUST ADMIT I’VE BEEN READIN THE MAIL, BUT THAT’S JUST 

BECAUSE I DON’T FEEL LIKE TALKIN. I CAN LISTEN THOUGH.

That’s perfect, SANDY, because I’ve got a lot on my mind anyway. So I’m gonna turn up my radio and start talking up a storm.

The floor is yours. Key up and show me your best ratchet jaw, good buddy. 

You see, I’ve been spending my fair share of time in the back row. You know, the Back Row - where those of us who enjoy, shall I say, “commercial company” from time to time hang out? 

Hell, I’m not afraid to get my old sausage cooked by a Lot Lizard here and there. I love a lady of the night as much as the next Buster Brown. 

Shit, one time, I even took a walk on the wild side when a Buffalo sidled up to my beautiful Schneider pumpkin. Now I’m not gay or nothing, but I’ll be god-damned if that wasn’t a great night. 

No judgment here. What’s wrong with throwin a few green stamps around for some romance after hauling toothpicks all day? 

Toothpicks?

Sandy! You’re still listening. Yes, toothpicks. AKA a load of lumber.

Ahhhh.

Anyway, I’d been throwing iron in the snow all day, when I stopped up for some rest in the back row. I’m talking about the Back Row at Flying J here sandy, so it ain’t exactly the Hilton, but it’s a little safer than some Pickle Park in Pennsylvania.

I don’t know if was the terrible snowstorm, or maybe the holiday loneliness, but I went au natural. 

TERRIBLE DECISION, SANDY. TERRIBLE. 

UH OH. You got a little itch down where the sun don’t shine, do ya? 

HOW’D YOU KNOW? 

Because I’ve got em too, Charlie. 

Sorry to say it, Sandy, but I feel a little better now.  Sure, I still have the Lot Lizard Blues, but at least we have them…together. 

Lot Lizard Blues? I like the sound of that! You should write a song about that. 

Roger that, and peace out everybody. 

LOT LIZARD BLUES FULL